Ouch

This piece details the events of a specific 48 hour period full of turmoil.  This somewhat recent weekend highlighted the appartently numerous reasons why I remain to be single.  It all began on a fateful Sunday afternoon.  Dyllan, my sister, LaFlare, and I all attended a a Drag Brunch (Stay tuned for a future post comparing the two local restaurants that host the same type of brunch) fairly early that afternoon, meaning 2:00 PM.  After leaving the the show (significantly unimpressed), Dyllan and I decided that we did not want to end our party.  As a result, or consequence, depending on your perspective, we decided to keep drinking.  This is the moment when Dyllan’s shit, THOT JUICE (also known as Bud Lite Lima A-Ritas) came into play.  Although the contuation of the party was a mutual decision, I had absolutely NO say in what we were going to drink, the Thot Juice. When Dyllan suggested that we drink the Juice, I did agree; however, I also had the response that, “I don’t drink that, I think something bad is going to happen.” I should be a fortune teller because oh how I was PAINFULLY right about that.

SN: Check Reference Sheet for Definition of “Thot”

So, after hours of drinking, we decided to get another associate involved in our antics.  Said associate continues to disagree with and challenge our rationale concerning my EX, Dufus. Nevertheless, our associate agreed to chauffeur us around, mainly to perform our regularly occurring covert ops that we do, as Dyllan and I consider ourselves to be a part of a SPECIAL OPS TASK FORCE. Before I continue, let’s all remember that…

While on a black ops mission involving the research of Dufus and his whereabouts, we commenced the routine stakeout.  I am in the business of emotional torture to myself, therefore on occasion, I do painstaking research that ultimately hurts me until the next phone call I receive from Dufus resulting in false hope on my end.  One thing to understand about Dufus, we have been over for a long time, but unfortunately that does not stop me from longing for him, nor does it make my heart stop pinning for him. While the purpose of every other mission in the past, and the very reason for the mission discussed here is to see something that my mind would not want to view, yet my heart yearns for the most; some form of visual closure.  On this night in particular, while so fully into my feelings, and consumed by the Thot Juice,  I got exactly what I had been subconsciously begging for, for months. While parked on his street, arguing with our associate about whether to knock on the door or not, we all witnessed a woman (dressed in a Where’s Waldo red and whit striped hi-lo dress) exit, and RE-ENTER the target house.  I immediately teared up….although in reality, there was some comfort in knowing that there is no chance for a future between us. Devastated, I gave the call to abort mission.

If only I were strong enough to practice such a mantra…

In effort to stroke my ego, and forget about all the dignity I left on Dufus’ street, I answered the phone a while later when Mr. Principles called.  I had been home for at least an hour, after crying nonstop for about 2 hours (pathetic, I know) when I received that call.  Reluctantly, I prepared myself for a meaningless rendez-vous that I sincerely thought would help me feel better, as I shamefully admit that I am guilty of sometimes letting sexual activity validate me, such as in this case.  Upon arriving at Mr. Principle’s house,

SN: At this point, I had not spoken to Mr. Principles in about 2 weeks, and I had not seen him in roughly a month.

I called him to let him know I was outside.  When he answered, we participated in this dialogue:

Mr. Principles-Hello

Me: Hey, I’m outside

Mr. Principles: Are you gonna kiss it?

Me: That’s not what I’m here for, I want to fuck.

Mr. Principles: So you won’t lick on it for me?

Me: Silence for about 2 seconds

Mr. Principles: Well, I’m good, you can leave.

Ummmmm…..I have had lower lows than this one, but damn, I felt kind of small-actually, I felt tiny.  I was SO angry, I burst into tears and cried for the rest of the night.  Hold on, that’s a lie, I cried and DRANK for the rest of the night.  By the time it was daylight that Monday morning, I was still drinking, and crying on and off, it was disgusting.  I was home when I called TomTom over to drop something off to me.  Completely intoxicated, I met him downstairs to retrieve the goods.  He asked me if I wanted to hook up (Something that is a touchy subject due to our tumultuous history), and I agreed without hesitation (especially because of his superior head game).  I told him to take me to his place.

SN: I was wearing a T-shirt dress, which allegedly looked like an oversized T-shirt, no undies, and sneakers–A get-up that is RARE for me to be seen in, in public, if ever I was to be seen in this way….EEEkk!!

We got to his place, blew a blunt, and shared some skin.  What felt like immediately after (real time about 5-7 minutes), TomTom began bashing my character. His character shots were notably painful considering a week prior to the day, I literally told him that I was going through a rough time, and that I really needed a friend.  The things he was saying to me were way harsh, we have been very close for a number a years, thus he knew exactly what to say to hurt me and/or send me over the edge.  We ended up screaming at one another, and I entered yet another low, feeling again so small; except this time, I felt small enough to be nonexistent.  I honestly felt alone, and devastated.  One of the things said that hurt me the most was, “You are going to be alone forever.”  When he said that to me, I got out of the car and proceeded to walk home as we were screaming obscenities to each other in broad daylight near the affluent neighborhood in which I live (NOT A GOOD LOOK AT ALL).

 

THE thing that hurt me the most about TomTom was the loss of a friend. Sure, I spent the next week or so crying on and off, and cutting myself, but the real pain stemmed from wondering how someone that I though truly cared for me could kick me so hard while I was down.  How could someone who previously had the nicest of words, say the meanest of things?  Who was the real TomTom, the man who always showed his support for me, or the man that I don’t know anymore; the one who accused me of having no one, I am to assume him included.  The thought of being alone forever TERRIFIES me, and TomTom knows that.  How could someone I feel so deeply for willingly bash me to the core? I still wonder, even after his apology that occurred around a week later.  Being the woman that I am, I am certainly aware that emotion runs through my veins, and I follow them such as a dandelion in the wind follows it.

After all…

Since then, some time has passed.  TomTom and I have shared some fire-fueled words followed by some words intending on understanding and compassion.  I feel as those there are still important things left unsaid, but I will no longer stress about them.  I stopped the daily drinking, and allowed myself to feel again, and try to open myself up to healing.  I started school shortly thereafter, and I reminded myself of a quote, or a life mantra even, from Dear Coco…and my outfits have been on point ever since.