Honest Abe

It is no secret that I cannot seem to keep a damn man.  There are times in my life when I make a new “Plan for the Pounce (PP).”  To elaborate, I come up with these sudden ideas of what the next type of guy I will date will be.  So, on one occasion of my new PP, I decide to date someone in the military.  Usually (with the exception of Cali), I don’t wife the military men.  Before I go on, I do not mean this to be offensive in ANY way: I have the UTMOST respect for service members, and I appreciate everything they do and their extreme sacrifices.  I do not know if it is because I come from a military family, my father died on active duty in the Army and my mother is retired Navy; but, I have never desired to become a military wife, nor have I ever desired to have a military husband.  With that cleared up, I feel as though I can continue with this Honest Abe episode of the Breezy Show.  My feelings of military men are that I just want to toot-n-boot: no dating; no serious relationships; no hanging out for long periods of time; and NO marrying, even if it is just for the BAH.  However, something made me go against my grain and want to hook a military man which wasn’t difficult, they’re everywhere around here.  On the night that Siren and I stop being friends, I met Honest Abe at a club, and the story goes like this:

Siren and I went to a club with a man that she had met earlier that day.  it was a Friday night and the plan was for us to drive to New Guy’s house and to ride with him and friend to the club.  Luckily for me, his homeboy wanted to pick up his jumpoff to come to the festivities with us which meant that I didn’t have to entertain him, yay!  What that also meant for me was that I was going to get smashed (not as much as Siren did though, but you will find out) in effort to self medicate as a result of one of the many disputes with Mr. Principles (refer to his mini series).  As a part of the pre-game, Siren and myself share a 5th (750 mL) of Belve before we meet up with New Guy and friends.  We are dressed to impressed and party ready upon our arrival to the meeting house.  New Guy and Wingman along with Siren and I pile into the car and meet up with Wingman’s love interest.  They decide to ride together and Siren gets in the passenger side of New Guy’s car.  We proceed to go to a club and it was NOT my scene but I chose to make the best of it, i.e. see how many digits I can get until we leave.  Shots were flowing, and somehow Siren and I got separated in the midst.  While I was doing my solo thing, I ran into Guilty G and was REALLY going to make my move then!!!!! I had been waiting on my chance FOREVER but that is a different story from a different post.  I walked up to him with confidence exuding from my pores and as I approach him, Siren appears like a bat out of hell and looking VERY disheveled.  She informs me that she had just lost her beloved pink iPhone (which was 3G by the way, LOL) and demands me to help her find it, making me look like her slave…and I was PISSED! I dismissed myself from Greedy G in effort to avoid any further embarrassment and proceeded to get the full story of the phone fiasco from Siren.

As the iPhone story unfolds, my only reaction is to shake my head.  In her bitterly drunkin state, some dude kept asking her for her number and she got fed up so she just gave him her phone instead! Stupid.  Anyhow, I told her that there’s no way we can find it and walked back out to the dance floor.  On my way to the dance floor, I spotted Honest Abe (who is a Navy firefighter) in his fresh button down standing at the bar.  At the time, I just looked, took a mental note, and kept it moving. After I dropped it low and did a jig or two, it was time for another drink.  As I made my way back to the bar, I pass Honest Abe again; this time I offer my sultry smile combined with a seductive wink.  I take two shots of Belve at the bar turn, reapply the MAC, and walk straight over to Honest Abe,  I approach him and start to put my mac down and we exchange numbers.  Right after the digits exchange, Siren finds me again and this time she looks at Honest Abe and says, “she doesn’t want to talk to you she’s with me, leave us alone.”  At this point, I am LIVID.  We have words and end up leaving with New Guy.  As the story goes, she hit me with the lowest blows she could think and I had to cut her off-which is also another post from another time.  Back to Honest Abe and how he got this nickname…..

After going on 3 dates with him, and talking multiple times a day over the course of about 3 weeks, Honest Abe invited me to meet his friends.  The plan was to pregame at his house and then go out on the town to a club.  I was very nervous….so I drank a little bit before I met him at his house.  Once I got there, he presented the biggest bottle of Goose which I was pleasantly surprised with.  I was trying to take my nervous edge off so I kept drinking.  I got completely sloshed, and I mean SLOSHED.  We had kinky, dirty, sloppy sex and then…..I fell asleep.  I passed out before the pregame was even over!!  His friends came to his place as planned, I was shitfaced and sleep in his room, they continued to get fucked up, and everyone (including Honest Abe) went out to the club.  I woke up however long later, head spinning, and ALONE.  I was so confused for a moment but then, I remembered it all…..ooo weee, this was not good!  I got my shit together, texted him, and BOLTED outta there!  He texted me back sometime later and said he wished I would have stayed because he was going to make us breakfast in the morning, cute!  After a few days, I showed my face again and we went on another date and laughed about late date’s antics.

As we continued to date, things became more and more sexual, duh.  While we started getting to know one another more, of course things started to come out, which is normal.  However, Honest Abe’s approach was not normal, mainly because he was honest and upfront about A LOT of things that were simply just better left unsaid, which I will display with these 3 specific examples:

1. Out of nowhere, he tells me about his ex.  Apparently, he was dating her and things were getting serious before he met me but after she got stationed in Germany.  The reason they broke up is because he didn’t want to do the long distance thing.  He then goes on to inform me that she is not over him and they have phone sex all of the time because she’s obsessed with his dick. ummmm…..???
2. Ok so, we had been dating for a few more weeks after I found out about the ex in Germany and the phone sex between them.  What can I say? I was intrigued, I love a challenge.  During this time period, he starts frequently talking about how much of a freak he is, which is definitely cool with me-to an extent.  Now I’m just going to be straightforward about the next series of events…I found out some things about the ex because Honest Abe just told me randomly, NOT because I asked but you will soon see why.  He told me she is a Marine and she was always really clingy.  The he told me that she always wants dick pics and phone sex and it’s exhausting because the time difference and whatnot.  The he told me that she likes girls.  Then, one day he told me that he told her about me.  He said that her next question to him was if I was pretty.  He said yes.  She then asked if I have a fat ass.  He said yes.  Then….she wanted to know if she could watch us have sex on the webcam.  I was a bit taken aback from her request and after some faux soul searching and pretend moral analyzing, I consented.  It was SO awkward because his webcam was on a tripod and the angle was crazy.  She kept talking too and she was masturbating but her stuff looked like shriveled up ham and I couldn’t watch.  Oh and also, she got mad when he kissed me and it killed the mood when she started crying.
3. I know, I know, number 2 is crazy enough but hey, c’est la vie et c’est ma vie.  In the midst of our sexual adventures, Honest Abe decides he wants to explain his sexual desires to me in depth.  So one time while I was, “performing,” he does the most creepy.  I am going to do my best to describe what happened, but your imagination is required.  First off, as a SN: I consider myself to be a freak.  I am very sexually expressive and I like to try new things and there isn’t much that shocks me.  However, let me add that if new horizons in the relationship are about to explored, I need to have a conversation about it first.  Like, what if we need to implement a safe word? What if I never did whatever it is before? What if there is a reason why I can’t do said thing? etc…the point is, any new things, especially far out things, need to be ran by me before they occur-just common courtesy, right?  So back to my performance….., I am going to share something explicit that may change (for good or bad) your opinions about me but, I suck balls, every time.  With that on front street, its easier to explain the situation.  Honest Abe was laying on his back and I was on the floor on my knees (insert visual here).  As I’m doing my thing, he lifts a leg up, props it on my shoulder (the dead skin on the back of his heel was scraping the skin on my deltoid), and scoots his torso to the edge of the bed.  Keep in mind that he has the physique of a linebacker and he is WAY bigger than me, ass included.  So I immediately get scared and confused.  Then in a half moan, half scream, he says, “Put your whole face on my chode.” Uhhhhh…..I was going to start to stutter as I do when I’m nervous andor scared but then his ass cheeks open as he spread his legs and it looked like it was going to envelope my head and suffocate me!  I let out a terrified gasp and THEN as I lifted his leg off me, I started to stutter something about how I had to leave.

You see, I appreciate honestly, I really do.  However, Honest Abe was just so honest about everything, it become an issue for me.  He is crazy and he ended up sending me a sadangrymean text message about how he cared about me and I’m a fucked up person how I left things.  I will never forget the terror of his anus, I won’t ever be talking to him again but if I did the last thing I’d say is, “SAFE WORD.”